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Great Truths About Life
That Little Children Have Learned

1. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
2. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
3. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
4. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
5. Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
6. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7. Puppies still have bad breath, even after eating a tic-tac.
8. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
9. School lunches stick to the wall.
10. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
11. The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

Great Truths About Growing Old

1. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2. Insanity is your only means of relaxation.
3. There is always a lot to be thankful for, if you take the time to look. For example, think how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt!
4. One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
5. Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.
6. The best way to keep kids at home is to create a pleasant atmosphere for them, and let the air out of their tires.
7. Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
8. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
9. Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
10. You find that if you just hang something in your closet for a while, it amazingly shrinks two sizes.
11. You realize that if you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
12. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
13. Your mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.
14. You choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
15. You forget about health food because you need all the preservatives you can get.
16. When you stoop to tie your shoes, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
17. You get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
18. You realize you were put on earth to accomplish a certain number of things, but you're so far behind you might have to live forever.
19. You know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
20. You finally get your head together, but your body has fallen apart.
21. You recognize that time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
22. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
23. You discover that age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
24. You think you understand everything, then you regain consciousness.

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